the days can be so deceptive
Sunday, September 20, 2009 || 09:12 p.m.

it's rather easy to fall into a false sense of it being bearable.

but really, it's during those final moments before sleep (because it's hard to fall into that) when it slowly creeps in, haunting you at your loneliest and aloneliest.

pretty cruel

especially when you remember that those same last few moments before sleep were once the polar opposite of how they are now--one where a sense of intimacy, belonging and inner peace abound.


few things:
Sunday, September 20, 2009 || 12:23 a.m.

there's a good chance that you bring out both the best and worst in my hormones

QA: to be anne boleyn or elizabeth?

twice as long, just as painful, barely as fun.

for the first time in a long while i was so excited for days to progress, anxiously awaiting how things will unfold. now i just wanna stop or pause and rewind. or just stop. or pause.



Wednesday, September 16, 2009 || 11:39 a.m.

Start by understanding that together your composite Sun lies in Libra, the balance scale, which represents the idea of two equal but opposite entities coming into equilibrium with each other. Thus, Libra is naturally the symbol of loving human relationship at its best—that is to say, a bond based upon harmony, mutual respect, and equality. With your composite Sun in Libra, you are aiming at a high ideal.

A graceful quality naturally radiates from you two. You look good together. You seem to "fit." Perhaps there's a kind of symmetry between you: maybe you are similar physical or psychological types. Or perhaps it's more as if you complement and complete each other—one of you is a thinker and the other a feeler, or one is practical and the other visionary. In either case, from the outside perspective, there's a sense that you did well in finding each other. People tend to believe in your relationship, or even to hold it up as an ideal. Whether you two actually experience it that way is another question! You surely can, but as always, no matter what is going on astrologically, it takes effort to make love work.


adjustment of preference ordering acting out some form of mess 1203813udh3e2wdxxasxasdjqowd
Saturday, September 12, 2009 || 07:47 p.m.

Modern Romance/Poor Song - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
The Scientist - Coldplay

Glor Box - Portishead
Homecoming - Kanye West feat. Chris Martin

IMPATIENCE IS A BIIIiiiIIIIIiiiiiIIIIIIiiiiiIIIIIITCH. WAH WAH WAH WAH. this is like withdrawal slash so many things grgrgrgrggrgwhqihrhdsabfrhrgrr cranky crabby anxious eetc


these are the things i wouldn't (couldn't) tell you just yet
Wednesday, September 9, 2009 || 12:41 a.m.

so, just about all my treasured girlfriends already know. practically identical story-telling (luisa's at the fish pond was hilarious though, with the whole dream spectacle) but i think my bestbuddyB got it best when she couldn't stop giggling and laughing at our *oh, oops* passive-aggressive ways :)

also, there's some fascination in our identical photos. miles apart but never at heart! we make for quite an alcoholic pair it seems.


So here we are again, back to the beginning <3
Monday, September 7, 2009 || 10:57 p.m.

ALSO, one more note on the latest stage of progression:

Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story
There's the man I chose, there's my territory
And all the things I deserve, for being such a good girl honey!

Time to be the good girl that I am!!! Woot woot caffeine hasn't let go of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


finallee :)
Monday, September 7, 2009 || 10:05 p.m.

ok okokookokokkok oky okayyyyyyyyy. i need to pace myself.

a while ago i was a bit bummed at having to move on with my life from this weekend. back to the mundane stuff that makes those days seem rather floaty and almost unreal, just when they gained ground and seemed real. blah di blah bla.

but then i was thinking. well, those 684 days in between has seen its share of HIIIIGHHHH and lowwwwww and the rather ho-hum almost forgettable moments that threaded each moment after another, leading to it. even before that gap were what, some 6600 days since my coming to this world so i probably have to give my patience some credit too whew~

i hope i don't jinx things and i hope i don't mess things up and i just hope things turn out for the better this time. i promise i'll do whatever i can from my end to make it do so. the pains of remorse have taught me enough.

WOWOWOWOW. palpitations and my nerves are all over the place. or maybe it's just the cups of tea and coffee i've had today. WOWOWOWOWOOWOWW.


it's so easy not to give a shit when noone else does
Thursday, August 27, 2009 || 10:48 p.m.

i am so sick and tired of this fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fuck. neither personal nor "work" provides refuge because they're just equally fucked up. god this is so frustrating.

i'm such an extremist i can't do bit of this and bit of that. i hate the constipated feeling of all this limboness.

please leave me be already. then i have a better excuse for the misery--i'll know it's just me, and then it's easier--or at least i'll know better how to manage.

people can be SUCH a letdown sometimes.


blame it on the caffeine
Wednesday, July 8, 2009 || 11:48 p.m.

few lines to describe me as of late:

the universal campaign to annoy and hassle me
sick of all the tremendous love i am surrounded with, but not getting
baby momma to 23 of the loudest, most demanding, brilliant and fiercest peeps
b-0ri3kdsl'3e-,-o2lpsWDKL;K3R0WOPRLWEWWSffe


hi,
Thursday, June 11, 2009 || 12:36 a.m.

i love this song right now. let me give you some dirty french psychedelics!

I'm looking for you I'm looking for you Don't know where to go Don't know what to do I walk along the streets Between a million people that I don't see Maybe they think that I am mad. I feel in love, I am in love with you I made this song 'cause I love you I made this song just for you I made this song deep in my heart I was thinking of you Because time runs so fast And it never comes back And that's all I can keep with me That sweet love that you gave to me.

<3


random travel adventures
Monday, June 8, 2009 || 02:42 a.m.

1) South Africa -- fall in love.
1.25) Be surrounded by elephants!!!
1.5) Be stopped at the Nelspruit-Gauteng province for a marriage proposal
1.75) Be immensely late for my JNB-CPT flight only to make it on time--but without my luggage, it obviously did not want to leave the north 2) Paris, France -- visit the Louvre for the first time for free! (strike)
3) Madrid, Spain -- marijuana legalization rally
4) Milan (for Cuomo), Italy -- ride a train that went to park (our train was canceled without any announcements whatsoever!)
5) Lisbon, Portugal -- be mistaken for a "Mexicana"; run its sloped, fancy tiled alleys to make it in time for curfew

others:
Denmark -- best PRAWNS EVER!
Thailand -- be incredibly dog-gone sick only to be cured by authentic Tom Yum Soup :)


sodade vibes
Monday, June 1, 2009 || 10:40 p.m.

ich sehne mich nach dir!


that paralyzing dream
Thursday, May 7, 2009 || 10:32 a.m.

i just want to lay still in hopes that i will dive back into that state of subconsciousness where we can be together. furthermore it seems like the more i immerse myself in this "real", conscious world, the farther away i am from that world where we're together. here we're back to the 3k miles we have to contend ourselves with.


dop[a;djsdlkwdj20epkwdads
Monday, April 27, 2009 || 09:04 p.m.

it's a pretty lonely life.

i wonder if there's an end to any of this.

pretty numb about it but i'm not sure that's exactly a good thing

wotevr


BOOMY!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008 || 01:59 a.m.

Down to you, you're pushing and pulling me Down to you, but I don't know what I... Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself I'm saying something that I should have never thought Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself I'm saying something that I should have never thought Of you, of you, you're pushing and pulling me Down to you, but I don't know what I want No I don't know what I want You got it, you got it Some kind of magic Hypnotic, hypnotic You're leaving me breathless I hate this, I hate this You're not the one I believe in With god as my witness Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself I'm saying something that I should have never thought Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself I'm saying something that I should have never thought Of you, of you, you're pushing and pulling me Down to you, but I don't know what I want No I don't know what I want Don't know what I want, but I know it's not you Keep pushing and pulling me down When I know in my heart it's not you Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself I'm saying something that I should have never thought Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself I'm saying something that I should have never thought Of you, I knew, I know in my heart It's not you, I knew, but now I know what I want I want, I want, oh no I should have never thought

i gotta give edward cullen some credit because he restored my love for silent strong types (aka the anti-you). and this song too, i guess.

ps: i love love love the weather so sod off willy wanker!


given how i should know better
Saturday, December 27, 2008 || 10:13 p.m.

i figured i should feel better.

i've found myself in this position for the 2304839th time already and i thought it wouldn't affect me much--if any at all.

but no. it's still as mind-numbingly sdfkjsdfwef as ever.

FUCK YOU.

maybe i thought i knew better as well. i was almost there anyway, already past anger and almost past bitterness that i'm already willing to make ammends and move on. but apparently you had other things in mind and i thought what the heck it was like letting a child see for herself (much like how i learned most of the things i needed to learn in life). i thought i could do better. i'm such a doofus to believe so and now i'm paying the consequences yet again.

i've run out of words for disappointment with you, the word doesn't do the things you do justice. it doesn't do YOU justice. you undermine the very word.

*deep breath*

however, i refuse to have you derive the pleasure you do from my mishaps. depriving you of it is the most payback i can give. fuck you, i swear, FUCK YOU. fuck you. letting it slide and fade takes ages, and apparently, does not make for a decent defense so PLS LEAVE ME FUCKING ALONE ALREADY. but again, again, again, the most i can do is to deprive you that pleasure you seem to derive from letting me down. so i shall not. like jesse mccartney said when i was going through these things on my head:

No stress, no stress, no stress
(Girl you deserve nothing but the best)

oh seasons, tricked instead of treated last halloween and now i have to commend you for the creative way by which you played out your offer to keep me warm this holiday season--thru the hot hot heat of the anger you ignited within me. please excuse my french as i thank you: tabernac choleque de merde.


a little over a week ago i had a dilemma
Wednesday, December 24, 2008 || 01:02 a.m.

i met who could be the man of my dreams. even my friends thought so. but too much vodka disallowed me to remember what was it that we even talked abt, and carelessness allowed my phone to get stolen while we were getting in touch days later on.

but fate worked its magic, somehow, which posed a graver dilemma which was that i had to somehow control myself because the fact that he fit a lot of what i wanted meant a higher chance of me getting into it. "recent turn of events" also proved that i can really get into things in spite of the need for some tweaking (ahem) as embodied by the incessant need to adjust and forgive to the point of compromising my principles. wot the fuck. so what more the otherwise right? such a slippery slope

so i was extremely careful

as i write this i'm fresh from (not just a shower) but spending a good amt of time with him. the more time i spent with him the more amazing i realized he is and the more i don't wanna mess this up with the banalities of "the game" and such (as was the turnout in the previous case). the person is above and beyond that and i'd like to think the rapport we've established is as well. for some reason it's just not in synch with the corruption of...such things... at the same time it only feels so natural for me to say this.

it's very cool!

somehow i am able to elaborate weighty reasons how awesome he is but just as much, i'm able to say why things are (perhaps) perfect the way they are now--that is, faaaaaaar from it being something else.

maybe because APPARENTLY, the first conversation i had with him was abt the love of my life (something i've been consciously worried abt, in terms of devotion? and such). it was the vodka speaking but you know what they say, drunken words are sober thoughts. or maybe unconscious words are subconscious thoughts/emotions/whatever. sososooso, apparently, the man of my dreams still has nothing on the love of my life!

it's so great to know that :) there's been a need to ease my doubt/concern.

that's all i've to say now. merry xmas world!


You
Sunday, December 21, 2008 || 01:20 p.m.

were such a reality slap. thank you.

i'm not sure if that last bit is supposed to be sarcastic or what.


These days are gone
Thursday, December 18, 2008 || 11:26 p.m.

Loud enough to hold on I think about the time we wasted I think about the years to come It's getting late and I can't call It's getting late to face it all

i think...this might be it for us. it seems like we've gotten past the point of bitterness and hard feelings and now there's just such vacuum it wouldn't be wrong to say it's already faded into oblivion.

what a shame. i really wanted it to be more than this.

there were things abt you that i've grown to be endeared by and now i wouldn't know how i can go abt without it. i don't know if we can afford to be friends after this since like i said, we're just so gone

i wanna hope like it's gonna save it, but not doing so renders less bother than doing so and the joy it supposedly merits me.

:/

let's see what words banana yoshimoto has for me

(ps, after love for granted on itunes, time to say goodbye_


You come on just like special K
Tuesday, December 16, 2008 || 07:52 a.m.

i can't get enough of you both

but you both leave an unpleasant feeling in my stomach

like i wanna purge

but having you around make evertyhing else so much more interesting


you're up and you're down
Thursday, November 27, 2008 || 11:18 p.m.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmokay.

SO what is the state of things?

dunno. i'm pissed at you though, but not the kind that's hostile. taking it seriously gets too tiring for me, emotionally and psychologically and you really are just not worth the bother. the least i can do is take humor out of it. i just wanna piss you off at the expense of my laughter then it's perfect. because fuck you, really, but i'm not saying that in an angry way or anything. i just wanna get back at you (JUSTICE!) for what i got out of this (or actually, didn't) but at the same time not to the extent that it bothers me (as in, the urge to fucking do so) but only to that which i get a good laugh out of. i wonder how how how i can't wait though

i suppose this is progress in its own right. i mean i don't blame myself for your actions anymore. i don't make excuses either. it just gets to me how i can still feel bad abt it when i'd very much rather be indiff.

i know i've already made it when i finally stop hoping that you will make things right (cynicism better)

BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!!!!! also when i can truly truly say that i want you out of my life. i can't yet. it's also pretty hard when apparently circumstances point to the other direction (WHY MY FRIENDS NOW??? fuck naman! my very own karaoke-bday buddies. i would hate to wish you were with us on my karaokebdaybash when you're not. GGGGGGGGR)


this phase.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008 || 11:28 p.m.

These days are gone Loud enough to hold on I think about the time we wasted I think about the years to come It's getting late and I can't call It's getting late to face it all I think about the time we wasted My loneliness has slowly grown I told you not to cross the line And leave me with Your love for granted The letters from your broken heart I think I might have lost them somewhere Don't tell me 'bout your lies Don't tell me 'bout your secrets My love is easy You are everything I need Now your love is gone I want it safe and guaranteed Life is such a fine line Looking at the bright line I think about the time we wasted For someday I'll be coming too Tonight is dying on its own And now I got your love for granted It doesn't matter right or wrong As long as you are hiding somewhere Don't tell me 'bout your lies Don't tell me 'bout your secrets Even though we've said it all I would never let us fall With you Hang on to a little chance You bet I'm in If it is for better Disillusions come after It's true Hang on to a little chance You bet I'm in

although it shouldn't be this way anymore!!! probably the bridge from bitterness/sadness to acceptance.


karl mark and julius cesar :))
Thursday, November 13, 2008 || 12:17 a.m.

i'll say it once and i'll say it fast: (deep breath)

howisitpossiblethatimissyouTHISmuchand...the same is not true for you to me.

nah, it doesn't hurt so much.


realization
Sunday, November 9, 2008 || 09:00 p.m.

i reckon you even have the slightest idea how special you are to me. i wouldn't be surprised, even i didn't realize this. it only occured to me once i actually thought about it and even then it did come as a surprise.

you're not the love of my life and even as i type this. but i don't think i've ever compromised, twisted and bent my own rules as much as i did for you. maybe it's the timing too since the whole shabang prior to you has unleashed the wildly romantic in me. at the same time i've come to truly recognize the pragmatic side of me.

maybe there was sth abt you too


i'm trying to remember how to deal.
Sunday, October 19, 2008 || 10:16 p.m.

i haven't had anything like this in a long awhile... at least, the kind that frustrated me in this sense. the closest i can look back to was that time of.............. THE RAT! the first thing that jaded me but i suppose not enough to completely immune me. le sigh. and so i sing this song again (although really, i don't want to. yet. plsplspls. :()

We can't play this game anymore, but Can we still be friends? Things just can't go on like before, but Can we still be friends? We had something to learn Now it's time for the wheel to turn Things are said one by one Before you know it's all gone Let's admit we made a mistake, but Can we still be friends? Heartbreak's never easy to take, but Can we still be friends? It's a strange sad affair Sometimes seems like we just don't care Don't waste time feeling hurt We've been through hell together La la la la, la la la la Can we still be friends? Can we still get together sometime? We awoke from our dream Things are not always what they seem Memories linger on It's like a sweet sad old song

meh,,,. and so i console myself with this. or tips from my angsty 14 yr old self (from this same journal, how adoribu! sucks that the bitterest weren't spared though, mehzzz.)


i'm gonna show you tonight i'm alright
Saturday, October 11, 2008 || 05:39 p.m.

i guess there's a big difference waking up on your couch post-beer/jager/blowjob (for dinner) and waking up in your bed post-burger (for lunch). i'm not so hostile now.

but it's sunk in how much what you did (not) truly, truly sucks. even then i wanna make ammends already but i'm not sure you do too. it's also no longer the case that i believe "you're a tool so, so what, i'm still a rock star, i got my rock moves, and i don't want you tonight". the last was never true, but i'm willing to take back the first because i'm terrified to be alone tonight.

:x :( :|


all that past life regression talk on oprah makes me wonder
Thursday, September 11, 2008 || 09:13 p.m.

maybe, all this stuff about where i am and where you are, the heritage running in our bloods, the languages in our tongues, my little wanderlust and your little homebodiness, that itch i have for ct, all this deal abt colonization & the suez canal not opening until the late 19th century, my fascination for it and old quaint little churches by the shore, and all the stuff that epic romances are made of (from the fateful "first" meeting sealed by the magical first kiss to the tragic end)--bonus: that recurring theme of saudade.

well,

this time, no need to wait for three centuries. just down to three years. te prometo.

HMM~!

otherwise, it makes for good fiction.


the taurus ascendant in me can only take so much.
Monday, September 8, 2008 || 11:41 p.m.

Restlessness and irritability will be the inevitable result of a lifestyle which is too restricting and confined.

lots of sighing again and i could feel myself slowly turning into a little demonyita for no apparent reason other than those paranoid shits in my head.

and then there's those other things too.

hay punyeta.


Hot new connections go best the 28th and 30/31st.
Monday, September 1, 2008 || 06:25 p.m.

i wonder what it's like to be someone's Highlight of the Night. really curious to see how this flies though, if it does.. i hope it does. i also hope i didn't just jinx it, although my shrinks (both) have been shooing the notions of such things (jinx, twist and catch). to quote dr. j, "i think.... you've been watching too many movies". so yes this also marks my first step away from that and new life i suppose (in more ways than one, actually). mmm yeah. anyway. i have to stop yapping abt it because the more i do, the more thoughts and time i invest on it, the more i build my stake and the more !@#$%^&* it would be if it comes crashing down. so after this song i shush now:

OOH boy, shock me like an electric eel!


?
Wednesday, July 23, 2008 || 08:55 p.m.

Dontchya do it to me Findin' a way to live Givin' it everything Don't chya do it to me There's something inside of me It's hopeful, but bittersweet. I think in time you will see The memories never fade Tell me we'll feel the pain? I really hope you agree Until what I said I would Doing the things I should Chorus Finally I'm seeing clearer Finally We can be who we are Dont chya do it to me There's nothing to forgive Giving it everything Don't chya do it to me We'll see what we want to see Go to the memory I think it's time we let be Things that we couldn't change Won't make that mistake again? God in my heart I believe We do what we know we should Heading to something good. Finally I'm seeing clearer Finally We can be who we are Finally the future seems nearer Finally we can be who we are Inside of us, feels but we trust nobody You know it's time for us to go our separate ways Inside of us, feels right but trust nobody You know it's time to go our separate ways Finally Never knew it would be this hard Didn't ever think we'd that we would grow apart. Never knew it would be so hard Didn't ever think that we would grow apart.


LxvI
Wednesday, July 16, 2008 || 01:56 a.m.

No te quiero sino porque te quiero
y de quererte a no quererte llego
y de esperarte cuando no te espero

pasa mi corazón del frío al fuego.

Te quiero sólo porque a ti te quiero,
te odio sin fin, y odiándote te ruego,
y la medida de mi amor viajero
es no verte y amarte como un ciego.


tenho muitas suadades tuas!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008 || 11:49 a.m.

SI!!!!!!!!!


HAHA
Friday, May 2, 2008 || 12:30 p.m.

Perto dele eu podia sentir
Saía de seu olho e chegava em mim
Sentada do seu lado
Eu queria encostar
Faria o tigela até o sol raiar
Debaixo do lençol
Ele gemia em ré bemol
Fiquei tensa
Mas tava tudo bem
Ele é fodão, mas eu sei que eu sou também


i like this day.
Thursday, May 1, 2008 || 12:51 p.m.

after a night of sensible ramble, i woke up to today. which was fairly nice. i ran and climbed up the hill. i like my outfit, fuschia longsleeves and aqua tanktop--very marimoko. except it was hidden under my hoodie but it's all good. it seems like i have to find myself other means to prove my physical prowess to myself though as running won't seem to do that for me anymore. anyways i look fwd to more running sessions because i finally carved out a nice route.

i did a couple more floor exercises when i got home. brunch of norwegian salmon, thick heavy grain bread and cream cheese with banana smoothie. oh i also like how my ponytail looks post-sweat. now i'm just eating my vanilla pudding with mint baileys.

oh and theres also a nice thing i could look fwd to next semester, i think. i have yet to confirm but when i have, i'll let you in on how that flies.

pleasant day, despite the tree tradition!


please could you stay a while to share my grief
Wednesday, April 23, 2008 || 01:47 a.m.

so this is me right now... pharyngitisized, having troubles maintaining the balance between body & room temperature, home alone and so alone and insanely jealous of people in happy stable relationships. because believe it or not, despite my track record, it's what i want in my life now. with a particular someone. and i'll be willing to make it work and all. but i guess we wouldn't really know without throwing myself in rightttttt. it's just so unfair how effortless it falls for the rest. and while it magically did for me too, it was only for a couple of days. and it was really out of my control!

the pharyngitis really sucks too. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. ascending taurus much.


on this gentle ground i wait for you
Monday, April 21, 2008 || 08:33 a.m.

i bet you look hot in a coat. just the thought of it makes me tumble over my bed (which is still, far too big for one). our capitals have a close high and low, except it's sunny here because I'M HERE. hah. so come over, come on over, i'm home alone for a week. it's about time we play with another week of danger.

:|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||


PUNYETA
Sunday, April 13, 2008 || 03:23 a.m.

and i heard chris has already passed on. what the fuck. this is fucking wrong man. :((((((((((((99


you're way too beautiful boy
Sunday, April 13, 2008 || 02:33 a.m.

that's why it's never gonna work. you had me suicidal

and it's no fucking shit. because while you're fucking her, i just fucked one. and that's it. :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((99

except it was your hand that reached out to me while i was having a passionate discussion about Air with james. it was you man, it was you


before you......
Sunday, April 13, 2008 || 02:07 a.m.

there was another virgo guy. a couple of them but going home to bonn made me forget about one, and brought about another one. and there was a scorpio guy. and i was working it, bitch.

and when you weren't around, like, a while ago, you weren't there, the others were there, bitch. and i could've worked it, like i did on those monday mornings before i knew you existed. and i knew i could always find a way. but i didn't. i made the easy excuse out. because now i know you fucking exist man, and it's really unfair do you know that. i could be flirting my way thru radiohead except i'm not because it's you after and after and after and ever and forever.

lee, i miss you so much. the ones before you don't even make it anymore


because yeah, i still do
Sunday, March 30, 2008 || 04:26 a.m.

miss you

i'll probably just keep writing it long as it's true. i wonder if its last would terrify you. last night you were in my dreams, sort of. miss you much


something major finally happened yesterday.
Friday, March 28, 2008 || 09:58 a.m.

final exam? not quite. free steam and shower with bea? not quite. that zebra print bikini? (YESS!!!!! LOVE IT) no, not quite.

it was the third time i saw c. either the fourth, fifth, ninth, time i saw one of them, depending how you look at it. in any case, that's nothing major. besides the cloud's been pretty ok lately. and after the steam/shower, i was in a pretty rad mood.

i didn't have much issues to talk about, just that of my latest mother episode.

but she slapped me with reality. it was so harsh hearing it out loud. i realized i am surrounded by such supportive friends who do not even dare mention the possibility of it. it was so sad the tears just flowed too naturally.

i've had breakdowns, yes, and they involve you although not primarily. it was more of "and you're not even here!!!" and then i bawl some more. that's the closest it has. sometimes i'd just moan and groan abt how you're not around and i literally say your name out loud and try to force a tear to let it out but nothing. i just look like a pathetic remake of cameron diaz in the holiday.

but yesterday, without forcing or seeing it coming even, almost too naturally--much like how we were--it did. i finally realized how while i'm living in desperate hope, i also live in such desperate fear. it was too daunting. i wanted to ask when/how it will end.

anyway she gave me the meds ya and i was dismissed. i still had to fight the tears as i walked out of her office. eventually they hit me--the meds, and/or the idea and/or my crying-in-public-phobia.

i was pretty ok. i wanted to kick balls and have a drink (which fate sent me later on in the form of old drinking buddies and then another one) but due to poor planning on my part i couldn't. it's ok it wasn't a long night. i fell asleep quite quicky and woke up to this. i probably just need to get away from some stuff right now

ps: you would love the bikini on me too (off? we already know that)


hit me with your smile again
Wednesday, March 26, 2008 || 11:31 p.m.

i miss you so much it hurts. ever so excruciatingly et al.

i've resorted to [certain means] because it feels like that's the only means by which i could connect with you.

i remember when we first exchanged names. i was fascinated by your name because it was so unique but easy enough to say. that latter bit i said out loud, because well, it's cool. i figured it will do my memory good. plus i love how you said it and how i first said it. one can't help but smile at the mention of it. but turns out there's more to its pronunciation that sticks and makes me smile. it's easy to derive pleasure from, ha ha.

it kinda gets me down


"i miss you" is not enough
Monday, March 24, 2008 || 11:09 p.m.

today was odd. maybe because it was a rare occassion of me without music (alas, even the right ear died on me) that i was snapped out of my naivete. suddenly a security guard's seemingly dutiful "good afternoon ma'am" wasn't as nice, considering what followed. EVEN THE ENCOUNTER SIX STEPS AFTER THAT that i couldn't help but blurt out "THE FUCK?!" almost instantaneously.

so, love, if this is you sending out your [love?] throughout the niftiest ways of our universal network, then why yes you have a fine piece of ass bum too, and i miss it.

thing is, i've been wearing the shirt i'm wearing for nearly 17 hours now. this marshmallow of a fabric. i don't think i EVER want to take it off, in fact, i or not anyone can take it off.

only you can.


i've run out of ways to say this
Monday, March 24, 2008 || 10:47 p.m.

sigh. still as true as ever though.


i want him everywhere
Thursday, March 20, 2008 || 08:20 p.m.

there used to be so many cooler ways for you to make me wrinkle my nose--with a kiss or a tease, or others.

now it's just that i miss you. so much :(


so sad that you love her like the stars above
Thursday, March 20, 2008 || 12:19 a.m.

what are the odds of that line?

my ultimate Mmm song and the one i listened to when i was with you

Angel hold on to me Love is all around me Angel hold on to me Or come closer To me Don't go Don't leave me Angel hold on to me Love is all around me So sad that You love her like the stars above So sad that you love her Hold on hold on Ah ha ah ha hold on to me Ah ha ah ha hold on to me Angel hold on to me I come closer to you It's paradise you take me to Ah Ah ah ah aha h 'cause I love your love Always free Ah ahhhh ah ah ah ahhhh ah ah


i just have to get this out of my chest,
Sunday, March 16, 2008 || 09:58 p.m.

who goes to South Africa and not fall in love?

seriously. it's even on tv!

anyway im going back to work now. sure ill have to wrestle someone out of my head, but, im packed with its own physical experience. it's time to do it mentally. will powerrrrrrrrr

HAHAHAHA PS: you know how some people have Power(s) for a surname? not just austin ok. but yeah imagine naming your kid Will Power. HAHA... HAH.. HA.


i'm building memories of things we have not said
Sunday, March 16, 2008 || 01:35 p.m.

(first taste, fiona apple)

3d4a6sdtad78uh2e`2yue8w9djasdihasdiuhasdyhasudyauisdhaiusda


Oh yeah, i'll tell you something
Sunday, March 9, 2008 || 02:46 p.m.

Yeah, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide.


selfish, but true
Friday, March 7, 2008 || 02:00 a.m.

i need you in my life right now

someone to talk to, listen to, dance with, listens song with, drink with, be with

a quick kiss, an energizing hug, a pair of eyes that believe in me

and so many more thingsssssssssssssss


it's been a while, no?
Sunday, March 2, 2008 || 06:56 p.m.

i guess those happy pills do work after all.

i can't really say how this is different from the first time (and all the other ones) i've said this but, i don't feel you anymore.

it felt like it's always been there. my hyperactive imagination has gotten me thru. thoughts of you et al but now i can't even anymore. you're becoming less real, i don't feel anything anymore. blah blah. it's almost as if you're completely gone. there's hardly pain but i don't want to let go. i need to cling on for dear life.

like, i think it's different in that i can no longer feel what i feel for you. i'm starting to know you less and less.


PS:
Thursday, February 21, 2008 || 09:45 p.m.

(we/i) have a new song. Big Ideas is yours, Nude is mine. it's my new lullabye.

but in any case, for Big Ideas... we both know it happened anyway. and you went and came back. but was there something missing? because i hope to heavens there was none......

as for me. it's true. it's never gonna happen... at least not yet? something's missing and yes this is the hell i went through because of my dirty mind. just when i found you, you were gone. just when i felt it, i didn't. i'm definitely off the rails i'm seeing a therapist on saturday


oh, love...
Thursday, February 21, 2008 || 08:57 p.m.

last night i came back.

and i had a room all to myself again, but then my parents were also there although they had a room to themselves... then it hit me that that wouldn't be the case, because i can't keep them in the same room and chances are i'll be sharing my room with my mother! AAAAAAAAAAAAA. what about you?!?!?

right? especially since we promised to have each other that night. you know, while i was sitting on your lap and we were playing with icing on our faces and kissing and giggling it off and things. i miss that so much. i miss you so much.

plus, you have to marry me soon. i need to meet my friends in londontown and i could use your nationality to rid of all that hassle.

also: imagine our kids say "yes i'm Filipino-S.." it's very hot you can't deny that.


with you.
Thursday, February 14, 2008 || 11:59 p.m.

to the person who owns my heart on the last minute of the hearts' day:

(though technically, you still have some 6 hours)

i miss you. the 14th has passed and my last single day of entitlement to any miracle has gone, just like how my 19th birthday, christmas and the new year did. there is still no trace of your existence since. i miss you so much.

you live nowhere outside my head and that's probably where the necessity for me to be vocal abt it stems from.

in any case. today was a lot of fun for me, considering how you weren't here. this has been one of the better days. true, nothing comes close to the security of your arms, your prickly tickly facial hair on my cheeks, the softness of your lips, your half-closed eyes your voice your breath the intensity of your eyes.. but this is probably as close as i can get for now. i suddenly know how it feels like to have some sort of inner happiness--again--the kind that does not rely on you.

sometimes it feels like i don't know you anymore. it sucks. i don't wanna lose you, it will leave a void. i mean it. see you brought meaning to so many songs and expressions. you've made them sincere.

please. please. PLEASE. i don't even want to go there--a heartbreaking topic. but i miss you so much. theres a good chance that i need you in my life


ask the ipod madness!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008 || 10:38 p.m.

FIRST SONG. i said strictly. first song for tomorrow and!!

Well you better not see me when you come back.
I could be sharin' someone else's pillow.
And my love for you is better than diamonds,
To you, ev'rything, I bestow.

doesn't quite cut it.. until!

And tomorrow I'll be dancing on my own,
And I'll need a kiss for my head that's achin'.
And I'll be a hungry dog without a bone,
Hoping my place with you's not taken.

THERE GOES. although there's no stopping me from wishing it was my fave part instead. you know the one that goes like.......

If you come back, I'll take you to the garden,
We'll dance to an orchestra on the lawn.
And we'll roll in the foggy dew
And dance with the ghosts upon the dawn., on the dawn, on the dawn


i've set my heart on you.
Monday, February 11, 2008 || 05:24 a.m.

nevermind that capricorns have been most smooth sailing for me. that they're my "favorites" (back then). none of it matters now.


last night (oh yeah) -- moby
Sunday, February 10, 2008 || 11:09 a.m.

that song is spot on for.. last night hahah :D

i think that says something. i really had fun. i didn't feel lonely for ONE SECOND. my past night-outs have been fun yeah, but i'd have a moment when it hits me and i start to feel lonely and i try to override it with the fun times (or alcohol), but then not really, but ok whateva.

but last night was just consistently fun. girls just wanna have fun :)))))))


across the universe
Wednesday, February 6, 2008 || 02:48 a.m.

i can't stop writing about you because it's the only way i can materialize you in my life. when i say materialize, i do not mean value you materially, but rather, turn you into a matter--something tangible in this time of my life when you're not here.

i guess it's because, even if you're not physically present, for all the other aspects of it--those that matter more, i suppose--you still are the biggest part of my life?

i miss you so much.


Fidelity.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008 || 10:43 p.m.

ahhhhhhhh, i really feel the heat of dry spell. i knew it. well it's mostly been the case anyway, especially after a greenish time.. except it wasn't greenish, it was torrential downpour. monsoon and all.

ANYWAY. it's such a dry spell, i have to admit the break from it was so nice but hmm, no i didn't miss this season at all. not a single bit.

and you know what's coming up.... SUMMER. the heaaat of summer. can you just imagine. would it result to bush fire? I THINK NOT. hahaha. oh fun with puns. talk about the irony of it all.

oh and i'm so excited for the 14th! actually, i just want to get it over with, but not for bitter reasons.. quite the opposite actually. i don't remember looking fwd to anything (else other than) in recent history. i can't waaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiittttttt. rararrrarrryyyy.


dead funny don't worry
Sunday, February 3, 2008 || 02:24 a.m.

o what else...

i think it's about time you stick by your post-got-some-babble... weil meinem bruder brauchst einen (einen?) roommate. it's really gonna work for us. it'll be a win-win-win situation for all three of us so... BITTE. POR FAVOR (i know this one works with you, por favor ;P). S'IL VOUS PLAIT.......


bear in mind we all fall behind from time to time
Sunday, February 3, 2008 || 02:18 a.m.

i forgot if i've taken out my contacts for today or what. fuck. my eyes are bloodshot.

and, i miss him immensely. AND NOW, ON SHUFFLE, DO IT AGAIN BY STROKE 9 IS PLAYING. I SWEAR 10 SECONDS DOWN. nananadya?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

te echo de menos guapitooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo muito muito!!!


look at my chest without you
Saturday, February 2, 2008 || 08:49 a.m.

something disturbing has caught my attention this past few. my northern assets are on the decline. !!! i don't know if it's the abundance of booby traps (futsal and football) or the absence of booby love (self-explanatory) but this suxxxxxxxxxxxx ok.

i know i've wanted the flat-up look but not like, ALL THE TIME. just every now and then for kicks. besides i'm not skinny enough to pull it off all the time. i'll just look like i have a big belly (which i do, but is concealed by the girls). sadnessssssssssssssss.

bring on the fries???????????????


SOMEONE GREAT
Thursday, January 31, 2008 || 11:31 p.m.

I wish that we could talk about it, But there, that's the problem. With someone new I could have started, Too late, for beginnings. The little things that made me harassed, Are gone, in a moment. I miss the way we used to argue, Locked, in your basement. I wake up and the phone is ringing, Surprised, as it's early. And that should be the perfect warning, That something's, a problem. To tell the truth I saw it coming, The way, you were breathing. But nothing can prepare you for it, The voice, on the other, end. The worst is all the lovely weather, I'm sad, it's not raining. The coffee isn't even bitter, Because, what's the difference? There's all the work that needs to be done, It's late, for revision. There's all the time and all the planning, And songs, to be finished. And it keeps coming, And it keeps coming, And it keeps coming, Till the day it stops I wish that we could talk about it, But there, that's the problem. With someone new I could have started, Too late, for beginnings. You're smaller than my wife imagined, Surprised, you were human. There shouldn't be this ring of silence, But what, are the options? When someone great is gone. We're safe, for the moment. Saved, For the moment

i was blown away first time i heard this song


i...
Thursday, January 31, 2008 || 11:12 p.m.

don't miss you anymore.

well, that's clearly a lie. i'd give anything to have you back in my life? not quite true because we're still not together and i haven't reached the point of desperation where i do anythingeverything. i believe in "if there's a will, there's a way", obv there wasn't enough will.

BUT POINT IS, you're still number 1 and i still think of you and you're still my number one wish and all those things. it's just that i've gotten past the consistent pain, the sting of longing--although there definitely is still some longing. it's all gone just how our best memories have lost their OOMPH reality. they're all such memories now.

maybe it's just the endorphins, but at least the endorphins are strong enough now (or the feelings are weak enough) that this is the balance i've achieved. in any case i'd still be calling out your name and thinking of you for every song and all those things.

maybe it's just the endorphins, but there's also this optimism that with less pull on you, the more you will come around. a lot like how it was when it all started--unexpected. a lot of things happen to me in that manner anyway so less anticipation, more go.

if not, then at least it's done.

but i really don't want it to be. please please please. stop my widowistic grievance.


I DONT WANN DIE TONIGHT WITH THE FOLLOWING LEFT UNSAID:
Saturday, January 26, 2008 || 12:42 a.m.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

that's for making me run and oozing out all of my energy today and giving me a fucking zero despite me finishing 3rd at fun run, finishing 4th in the team race (while belonging to the 2nd place team). sure i slacked off that one day but so did my buddy so it does not make sense that she gets a +. don't even bring up the possibility of all the other factors (like what i mentioned above there) because all three of us know what that's like you motherfucker.

2nd. because you are by far my 2nd worst lit teacher to date, with the closest mind of all, misinterpreting what i say, and judging me with that mark when you don't even return ANYTHING to us so how the fuck do we know. you fuckerbitchloser.

lastly. you've been horrible to us. in any case i don't hate you as much as i do the first two. they've been la leyendra negra-d.

!

L, ily.


see, here's the thing...
Wednesday, January 23, 2008 || 04:24 p.m.

I MISS YOU TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS YOU TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS YOU TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS YOU TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS YOU TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS YOU TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS YOU TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS YOU TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS YOU TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS YOU TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS YOU TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think you should get the point. but.. yeah. it's turning me into a savage now. it's THAT kind of longing. rarr. like... well, you know what that's like ;) RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

ok so maybe it's also between the two of us, the nourishment hormone supposedly injected into me goes to you and vice versa... you're the one who post-cuddles and i.. i'm the one who wants to chase a bear. MUCH LIKE NOW, why this longing is heightened to (what could possibly literal too) earth-shaking levels.


absolutely adore this song.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008 || 10:17 a.m.

I could hold, your beautiful hands
And kiss, your beautiful eyelids
Throw open, your beautiful doors
And phone, your beautiful friends

But it's all over
It's all over
It's all over
It's all over

I could bind, your beautiful wrists
And shut, your beautiful eyes,
With the drugs, with the drugs, with the drugs
And kick, your beautiful doors in
O shame, on your beautiful friends,

Cos it's all over
It's all over
It's all over
It's all over

I could fight, your beautiful words
And mourn, your beautiful loss
Throw me out, of your beautiful lifestyle
And call, your beautiful name,

It's all over
Cos it's all over
It's all over
It's all over
It's all over
It's all over
It's all over
It's all over

you could bind my beautiful wrists, like you did, but it's all over



Sunday, January 20, 2008 || 10:21 p.m.

I MISS YOU


my kidney hurts?
Sunday, January 20, 2008 || 09:57 p.m.

i have a weird sort of colds, my hair been's growing, need major pedicure, eyesight worsening, LOAD TAKING UP SO MUCH OF MY FCKING ALLOWANCE that's why i can't have any of those yet (peds, wax, lens, hair treatment)

but in any case: CSS, LCD Soundsystem, Archie Bronson Outfit and more literature

next time i gain cashhhhh. also: grey short pants, white slingback, booties.

PENCIL BOX: g-tech pen, pencils, sharpener, ruler, scissors, stick glue


it's been so lonely here without you
Tuesday, January 15, 2008 || 10:30 p.m.

he never gave me a reason for me to act the way i did. it was all some sort of mixed/messed up demons in my head. paranoia. blah blah. i'm such an asshole. but better me than him? except he's not


IIIIIIIIIIIII LOVE TO LOVE YOU BABEHHHHHHHH
Tuesday, January 15, 2008 || 09:20 p.m.

this is why [she] was, is, and will forever be your naughty girl. because!

1)
she was in a balloon of a fleece jacket (the only curves they revealed were concave), rolled up muddy sweatpants that exposed her (already mentioned exposed dry legs), and couldn't help but sit indian-style (which fattened her thighs) YET you still kept your eyes fixated on her.

not another pair of sweatpants and a huge shirt (went all the way down her bum) stopped you from insisting that she hang out with you. nothing did.

neither the absence of the previous night's curves (just curves--closed neck of a baby t and cargo shorts right above the knees) nor the absence of skin stopped you.

the absence of skin which, ahem, she laid out for you that day but didn't get to see til that evening--still under her accord of course. because you wanna know why, why, why, because of all that was just mentioned! and then some more!

(there's been more skin since, because you've gone dancing and partying since, but it's nothing more than what you've already had you loverboy you)

2)
you've never seen her with make-up. you've seen her with dried morning tears and puffy morning eyes but you didn't leave her without a hug and a happy wish for the day.

3)
she didn't have to flirt with you until she poured out her heart and soul (one of which included a very detailed description on why you two are cosmically bound to be chemically electric together--yes, with ascending signs et al--AND YOU PAID ATTENTION and asked questions in between daze and confusion). but evidently you stayed and put up with it long enough to hear more interesting stuff. ahem. haha.

!

thanks to the tyra banks show for the instigation.

LTLYL!


on a lighter note
Sunday, January 13, 2008 || 09:32 p.m.

word of advice to katie (is it?, amgirl from life is wild) from a fellow ball-kicker:

if you're in springbokland, you might as well go for a springbok. other than avoiding unnecessary conflicts on the "game" that you both play (pun pun pun intended), you'll find that a mighty pinning body complements a mighty pair of thighs in a very crucial position (among others, of course pun pun pun intended).

i was very glad to discover that myself. i was so happy about it that it over-compensated the fact that fellow ball-kickers are my type.


it's all over (the broken family band)
Sunday, January 13, 2008 || 09:27 p.m.

three nice things happened to me this week. as in, REALLY nice--some hint of personal Zen that i haven't had in a long time. there's no denying that i've been zombiesque (if not bipolar on the surface) for nearly three months now, the most "fun" i've been havin being associated with unnatural substances (except that funday thursday with the boys) although never really snapping me out of *it*. cheese alert, but yes, the following moments i really, really, felt alive since a loss. i was stable and fine.

1) Futbol Thursday.
very, very nice. it wasn't my max performance--didn't dive enough, run fast enough, kick hard enough, catch enough passes, etc--as is the case since post-xmas break (i've only had one forgettable goal in futsal this year). the wind was cool, the grass smelled good (HOW I MISSED RUNNING AND KICKING ON YOUUUU), company couldn't be any better and the lights gave off this Everything's Magic ambience. the mindlessness brought about by exhaustion after is always fun too (ie: quick food misadventures).

2) Warm bubble bath followed by a sit-down/massage shower.

3) Going home last night.
something about walking within ortigas at 5am, with its nightlight that gives off a sepia tone on everything, empty streets, cool wind (20 degs), with my newly-acquired gray coat and music (from bat for lashes to hot chocolate) on. i wanted to walk forever in that (although i did look forward to the good morning greetings of the concierge and the buffet after, but i could do without).

i can't believe it myself either. especially of the little time i thought of him, and how that puny amount didn't bother me so much because alas, there was the comforting thought of how i still appreciate how his kisses were like, among other things.

i'm still rather zombiesque, but i finally have lapses of life injected every now and then. it's hopeful.

(but then, what are the options when someone great is gone... - someone great, lcd soundsystem)


Even though the sun is shining down on me and I should feel about as happy as can be
Thursday, January 3, 2008 || 04:43 p.m.

today was everything i hate about manila. same things even pre-SA (so you could not just merely blame the absence of something marvelous because these existed even before i knew marvelous). it's the same things that made liquid flow down my cheeks (other-than-and-during-shower), brought about a mutual repellation with me and any human being, etc. and to think the first place i headed to this morning is the chapel, how funny. i know it's gonna get better, blah, blah, i've had happier days after days like these. they just weren't here.

some paranoia (not baseless--because i use my senses and may have even developed an overtly sensitive intuition--just not confirmed), crappy food, ineptness, unproductivity, etc. just another day in manila! best way to kick the year off

and it's not fair how my lack of tempo is taken against me. this is why i've been alone and fine--not necessarily happy, at least i don't have to let people down who *supposedly TRY-SO-HARD* to lift me up. and i'm polite enough not to spread the evil vibes. i'm just shut, but this too is a bad thing apparently. it's just not fair how i don't have the right to be sad. then again i don't force it, but to be lured and left hanging is something else.

noone here gives a fuck. first reality slap i had from lalaland.

blah blah blah

I could tell from the minute I woke up It was going to be a lonely lonely Lonely lonely day. Rise and shine rub the sleep out of my eyes And try to tell myself I can’t Go back to bed It’s gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day. Even though the sun is shining down on me and I should feel about as happy as can be I just got here and I already want to leave It’s gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day Everybody knows that something’s wrong But nobody knows what’s going on We all sing the same old song When you want it all to go away It’s shaping up to be a lonely day I could tell from the minute I woke up it was going to be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.


funny
Wednesday, January 2, 2008 || 12:10 a.m.

is it a...

- (something i forgot)? nope.
- android? close.
- canon? nope.
- millionaire? close.
- boyfriend? yes.

just not mine.

i couldn't let it go. round 2:

is it a tanning bed? no.
is it fragile? unknown.
is it a soul mate?

what do i say


it had to end at some point.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008 || 03:54 p.m.

i said i won't force it but there's probably no other way around it. it's just a matter of being the bigger whore, like i'd said, and i did try, but turns out that wasn't enough. it's also a matter of being the bigger ass (although literally, that's me too). actually none of that matters as it turns out because none of them shielded me from the happiest moments of my life, all of which were with you. ick, i'm obviously not in the mood for that right now. besides i think i have enough recorded data? or memory of that? and i know i'll probably act on the urges to write them down, provided those sappy moments spring up again. but right now, i'm really in the mood to kick ass. i don't know if i actually can yet, but until then, i'm just gonna have to fake it (again) until i (finally) make it.

and i'll just have to play this angas of a song for my mantra.

One is a gun with a dart for my sweetheart
Two only you can remove such an ache-heart
Three let me see what you've got, what you're made of, what you're not
Four is sore just a ripped and bloody claw
Five is a punching fist that's within me
Six little stitches thread right through my heart
Seven shining reasons tearing us apart
Eight loose your hate it's a game come on love me it's your fate
Nine cold crimes in the night please forgive me
Ten are the tears that are frozen on your face
Eleven I know I'm not your favorite man
Twelve I'll take you like only I can

it's a toss between two and five right now. five is the more obv one right now. and i'm not referring to the non-fetus of ours that does NOT reside in my belly. actually sometimes it's a kick, i've had me kick clothes (they're on the floor), chairs, speakers, what-have-i's on the floor as a reflex to certain thoughts that involve you, shudder shudder. HVDHSDSDHSDJSKDLSDSFFFFFDFDFD

(haha, anger stage much?!)


this is the year i learned
Monday, December 31, 2007 || 12:45 a.m.

1) that i can live without money
2) not to judge love
3) virgos are really, really, bad for my heart.


staring at the blank page before me :)
Saturday, December 29, 2007 || 10:02 p.m.

i started the 29th of december 2007 getting drunk with two of my best mates, rho and kim.

we went dAUncing afterwards. yes i'm done with the broken spanish/german for a drunken tongue. it's a south african accent in place of it. maybe it's all those south african tongues when drunk HA HA but yes i loooved dauncinggggg, i also loved jumping buddah because i love that guy blah blah

i did not like losing my purse but that didn't really stop me from dancing. i've developed a certain dance technique fit for the situation.

i tried drowning myself at rho's sink, passed out in her huge shower area but she was friend enough to bring me to bed.

woke up wobbling all over the place and that BLEH feeling in my belly. finally heard from jo and... . it contributed a good deal to my ajshdkahdjasdsdsjdhkhdasdkhas disposition. while listening to unwritten tho it finally dawned on me that TWO YEARS. TWO YEARS. it's so close i better not screw it up anymore! i've been so null lately it's dragged me to places i didn't really want to be (irresponsibility, among other things). i mean, two years man, two years and i can finally LIVE the life i've been too busy dreaming about. exhillirating. hearing the news from jo also came timely i think. i never prefer competition, sometimes it gets to me but when it comes to a certain field (ahem) and it's on, IT REALLY IS ON. i mean think about it, what motivated me to jump off that lagoon in el nido, or when i raced bboy up the hill before (i wasn't exactly competing with him). it's on muthafucka!!! haha

but yea such was the HIGHlow of my morning (or afternoon). i wanted to throw myself at the cars on my way back to my car but i didn't want them suing the driver whatsoever. besides i was still gonna have the talk with my mother (about the purse, this was my biggest worry because she's been particularly hard on me lately). on my way home i was practicing the words i was gonna say until i was lured away into imagining what could have been if i jumped the car then into wishing that we could see our parallel lives in parallel universes until i was home. uh oh.

i caught my mom in a better than ave mood i think. i asked her if we could talk, and begged her not to freak out just yet and not yell. she had a look in her face. so i said it right away, "don'tworry i'm not pregnant!". i went on with my "irresponsibility" speech, that lately i've been really irresponsible and i'm sorry and it sucks i'm disappointed in myself and there i said it, i lost my purse last night. i calmly told her that i've phoned the place and stuff, etc. and that's it. and she was like "so you've been having sex?!" and i was like HUH? and she was like "you said you've been irresponsible?!" and i was like "yea but that's it!" i reminded her that i assured her i wasn't pregnant and she was like "but you said irresponsible!" and i was like "what like i caught something?!". ngeh.

anyways a few minutes after that i've learned that i might be getting MY OWN CAR. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. getting my own car after an self-employed "irresponsible" speech is just too funny. too quirky. too my life. well it's nothing big really, just that she's getting a new one and she's giving our car now to my grandparents and where does theirs go?

HERE *points to self* booyea!!! i actually like it that way because i get enough jitters as it is with our car now. i've also driven my grandparents' car and i'm comfortable with it, it's not new but it's not a pain to drive anyway.

holy holy holy 29th of december!


BOOM from desperate housewives
Tuesday, December 25, 2007 || 10:10 p.m.

Yes, you can learn a lot about women from what they choose to wear. You can learn even more by what they choose to take off, and who they take it off for.


...
Sunday, December 23, 2007 || 01:21 p.m.

happy holidays babe. i miss you lots but i hope my miserable vibes won't hold you from all the love and fun you can have this season. hope to hear from you soon.

see you under the mistletoe someday xx


spot on sad song of the moment
Friday, December 21, 2007 || 10:07 a.m.

I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen She left before I had the chance to say The words that would mend the things that were broken But now it's far too late, she's gone away Every night you cry yourself to sleep Thinking: "Why does this happen to me? Why does every moment have to be so hard?" Hard to believe that It's not over tonight Just give me one more chance to make it right I may not make it through the night I won't go home without you The taste of your breath, I'll never get over The noises that you made kept me awake The weight of things that remained unspoken Built up so much it crushed us everyday Of all the things I felt but never really shown Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh


spot on.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007 || 10:57 p.m.

I don't want to get over you. I guess I could take a sleeping pill and sleep at will And not have to go through what I go through. I guess I should take Prozac, right, And just smile all night at somebody new, Somebody not too bright but sweet And kind who would try to get you off my mind. I could leave this agony behind which is just what I'd do if I wanted to, But I don't want to get over you cause I don't want to get over love. I could listen to my therapist, pretend you don't exist And not have to dream of what I dream of; I could listen to all my friends and go out again and pretend it's enough, Or I could make a career of being blue I could dress in black and read Camus, Smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth like I was 17 that would be a scream But I don't want to get over you.

the camus part is funny because i was just looking at reading some other work of his (other than the stranger) during the break.


they were 4 after all.
Sunday, December 16, 2007 || 05:41 p.m.

i found that what i'm about to do is pretty healthy--i was just doing it a while ago after all.

so let's brrrrrrrring it on.

i'm all written out with the first one, haha, and maybe, hopefully, that notepad file can be recovered because i've already started with that one.

on with number 3 then.

he is a very cool guy. he's not bad looking either, he is pretty cute actually. LOVE the taste in music, love the humor, like the outfits too, takes one for the team--responsibly--in fact i could see myself having a crush on him...when i was younger. i think he can also charm all my friends with his easygoing personality and biting humor that comes naturally.

of course i was already distracted when i met him but he was definitely my favorite among the trio. too much monkeying around sometimes (!) but he's an overall gentleman. we could make really great friends i think. the fine line between friendship and *more* was very distinct for us...it was so distinct we couldn't miss it, we couldn't cross it. i know enough to know.

i don't mean to be mean but this is what all of that meant anyway: a litmus test for the other one (and our own friendship too). !

number 4 came timely. i couldn't believe my luck when i saw him. A TANNED TINY EYED BRUNETTE WHILE MY HEART IS BREAKING. he is insanely buff, past my preference. it's funny because even j and r find him hhhhhot and well i did too--i'm a young woman after all. however a breaking heart prevails over the hormones.

DOES IT?! HAHAH.

i'm getting ahead of myself here.. so anyway he showed up on that touchy friday i commemorate the first week of the Person's existence in my life. the camp was getting pretty lonely too because more and more people were taking off.

in any case i do admit to checking him out twice. i was walking to my room when a guy of dark head (OMG AS IN HAIR OK HAAHAA) working on a laptop crossed my peripheral view. my tiny-eyed brunette sensors are pretty sharp so i just had to take a second look. of course it was STILL him, so boo right? it's just that i was looking to more options, pref one that is not so.. meaty.

i was still senti for the most part. i found myself in the couch at a time quite significant for me a week ago with "somewhere only we know" on loop--in my head. TALK ABOUT SENTI. the older generation were having a blast in the kitchen and i couldn't afford to be any sentier than i already was so i decided to join the party.

"i need to be around people, it's too lonely!" phillip, my gay dad's husband, responded with the loudest AWW and asked for T. "where's T! come on here you, meet our resident babe" HAHA i love it, resident babe. "i thought i was the babe!" hm, witty. we shook hands on it.

not much followed after that. drinking with the old folks, it took him quite a while to come around. when he finally did... it was ok. for someone who surfs and looks like Lionel Messi (!!!) we could've done better.

and that's how i knew chemistry goes past hobbies and "type". in any case misery loves company, and i found that i wasn't passing on this one. everyone else was cheering for us "look at them, they're perfect together!!!" and the elders were giving me the same united advice. ok judgment call i guess since not going for it will not bring me back my love anyway--we could both be fucking that night, just not each other.

that was still a litmus test as it turns out. it affirmed the value of what i was so hung up over. i mean, as if my earlier statement wasn't enough. this was the scenario:
i finally caught jSr. i have questions and he has the answers. some answers hurt? i'm not quite sure because we weren't even sure of the answers? weirdness. in any case jSr. accused me of something that brought tears to my eyes--literally. "NO I'M NOT!!!" *slap slap* immediately followed, plus sth that went like this: "i mean, this--whatever it is--should be over once the next hot guy comes along okay. so, yeah!" and then it hit me and we both looked at that guy in the bar. now for the kill: "and yet i'm still here being hung up over him, despite of that HOT guy's presence", to which jSr. responded in the wisdom of my parents' age: "you know what, you're young, have fun!".

and fun is what i tried to have. in fact this--whatever this is--was supposed to be just like that: physical, fun and forgettable. this was the samantha jones and rachel gattina of whatever i had... and well, it's nice to know but i'm not sure it's something i'm gonna want more of.

..because anything short of butterflies is not worth my time. very carrie bradshaw, and we know which of "whatever i had" has got c.b. written all over it: unexpected, natural, intense, and highly electric.


maroon 5 = spot on = snow patrol
Sunday, December 16, 2007 || 07:57 a.m.

maroon 5:

- can't stop, little of your time, won't go home without you (tho i did), and some bits of back at your door

then there are the sexy ones from them heh!

snow patrol:

- you could be happy, run?, chasing cars? (for memories)

signal fire is apt too


+
Sunday, December 16, 2007 || 07:37 a.m.

cameron diaz' spasms? the forcing to cry part is funny, i do it far too often. i just did lols.

maroon 5, sexy. so sexy songs, as if woman and harder to breathe aren't enough, now i hear secret. sexxxxxxxxxy. i know listening to these songs are not healthy, es tut mir leid. i need distraction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

man, must getting over virgos be this hard. ah wait yea i don't wanna get over this one. the funny thing is, he is this blog's 3rd virgo. woohoe.

anyway since it's a sunday morning......

But things just get so crazy
Living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road
Get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you

diba?! i obviously need LOTS AND LOTS of faith. i've achieved that state of Zen with a certain someone and it was rather liberating. but none of that matters now because i'm working on having this with someone else or something to that effect or whatever!


i miss you quite terribly.
Friday, December 14, 2007 || 10:15 p.m.

this was a fairly interesting day. rolled out of bed, slipped into a pair of shorts/red shorts/shoes, brushed my teeth, jumped into the car.

heard this song:
It's not always true that time heals all wounds. There are wounds that you don't wanna heal, the memories of something really good, something truly real, that you never found again.

ran the nsf-run in school, finished 3rd in all girls (at 20 minutes though, which is rather shite because we had to meet 9 for the extra .25; although i was running for the collective effort). got a tumbler and a kinky thing for it.

the rest of the day: dragged my friends home, took a shower, lunch in a little nice italian place, returned an overdue chem book in a dress that did not meet my knees and flipflops (and saw schoolmates in flipflops and boys in long shorts, it was sunny and music was playing...what a happy moment), attempted to get my license, freaked in traffic, window shopped for gifts, condo party, blah blah blah.

at some point i realized how much this--whatever this is--has become an integral part of my life since. it's almost a habit, his name as brainspill, my digestive juices excited by certain thoughts.. i mean initially i used certain memories to ignite hype and adrenaline for my running. NOT TODAY THOUGH, as i noticed how these make my heart stop/skip a beat (! not healthy when you're out of breath from running). how i find comfort and fall asleep to more thoughts, anything, everything. songs that we should've and would listen to, outfits, scenarios, places to travel, and some other private thoughts... it's amazing i almost forgot what used to take up my brain space/time.

i don't know what i'm saying anymore. i guess it's that there's no point in controlling it because it's beyond my control. it's just one of those things that i'll have to let be... when it fades, if it does, it will just be another EUREKA moment which is like wowww kind of like the Bonn thing hit me or whatever. i'm not making sense!!!

!!!

other matters--actually not really, i saw The Holiday last night. i knew i was Amanda right from the beginning, nevermind that i was initially able to relate to Iris' words; but only because they were the only smart ones anyway. saw it with lei before so it was pretty clear who was who. besides, only child, separated parents, 3 musketeers, proud tear ducts

+ a man of smoldering eyes that slide down to the beautiful slope of a nose, all amidst the backdrop of a tanned face. a man of smoldering eyes and THAT kind of stare and expressions... incredible. i found myself throwing pillows at the tv again (poor thing). a weeper--timelee considering how i finally decided to analyze the aviators on a cloudy 7am.

my right heel hurt last night and still does to this very second. NOW I REMEMBER WHY. because other than the pillow fight, my breaking heart had another violent manifestation by stomping my foot hard. Amanda moments. "sometimes i can be such a jerk", etc. incredible. if i needed to justify my actions (and non-actions) to ppl, i must refer them to this movie. (+ initially lonely, wanting to go back?!; someone just does not shut up...

...and the other just listening intently?! reiteration of the departure in 9 days? not going to...?


*EE I MISS THEE
Wednesday, December 12, 2007 || 10:32 a.m.

it's kind of sick how this has become an altar of my obessesion (ew?!) for you(?). and you know what the scary thing is? THERE'S MORE WHERE IT CAME FROM MUAHAHAHAHAHA hahahahaha i could say i'm kidding but i'm not. but anyway at least i can listen to Clothes Off! now without breaking out into a frown... in fact i can dance to it like i used to before i met you.

i was so scared to let this go but i can now. it's diminishing by itself and no amount of me holding back can stop it. funny thing is, i knew this is how it was supposed to be. THIS IS HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. this was my justification for all the things/words i did/say and did not do/say. but no, sometime between then and now, i was more than willing to break whatever logic there was. i am never like that. sometimes i mope and overreact (maybe) a loooooooot but soon as i realize it's not worth it it's out the window. but not for you. it's incredibly foolish but i'd rather have that than completely lose you.

besides, you're annoying. you just set the bar high AGAIN, as if it already wasn't. now i'm really destined to be an old woman, unless you come around (or someone better). kidding kidding kidding.

this is not right somehow saying this doesn't feel so wrong either. i'll miss you christopher.


it's happening...
Sunday, December 9, 2007 || 12:42 p.m.

beyond my wishes and control

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless

...


we'll be so less fragile if we were made from metal
Thursday, December 6, 2007 || 06:08 p.m.

BOOM. i got it. i've been psycho-analyzing myself even more intensively and BOOM. BOOM. i got it.

it's so hard for me to let go simply because i won't let me let it go. if anything, i try to hold on to whatever piece i have of him. sadly, the only tangible ones being the heineken coaster and a couple of (digital) pictures. the rest of what i have left of him is just as real as the things that should have happened and i hope to happen.

as a matter of fact these are the very things i'm holding on to. i would be first to admit that i'm barely here. for the most part my head lives in either the future i hope for, the past i hoped for, and the few gem times--the actual past. sometimes i'm successful in relieving that moment, goosebumps, heartbeats, his taste and hot breaths although only for a few seconds. i'm holding on to those memories like any other--interest in the rest of our brain's 90% capability (live in a memory? time travel?), see a hypnotist, try whatever drugs or even (in moments of extremity) just completely lose it to dementia provided that i could live in those moments. yes i do reach that point of insanity every now and then.

how sad is that? my present reality does not match its bliss and thus, escapism. yet now i know enough that my present will never match its bliss because i don't live it in the first place. i live inside my head. at least now, enough light has shun upon me to realize that i can actually question and challenge the bliss of those memories vs. what could be of my actual life.

letting go is fairly easy once started. i've done it oodles of times, i mean there's a reason why i love Chewing Gum by Annie. i mean i could just see myself looking at the world with the exhillirating perspective of the-world-is-my-cake. how i could just easily dismiss it as one of those *things*, as just another d, p, j or t. life will be incredibly easier for me had that been the case

i think i can-CAN given that i can-WILL. but i just can't-WON'T yet. i have an inkling that the time is pretty near. the few breaths of freedom daunts me a little though, it's quite cold out there. it's kinda like the breath of fresh air once you start sobering up. for some unknown reason i just can't seem to allow it..yet. but knowing now that i have to let it go (as the buzz fades anyway) i just need to mark all of it somewhere more tangible--and i really need the buzz to capture it rightly and with justice. or something.


the gift (angels and airwaves)
Wednesday, December 5, 2007 || 09:31 a.m.

the 30th of october began in a couple of ways. at midnight, i was dragged into hazyview with the people i was supposed to be drinking with earlier on.

the real day (as in, after some 2 hrs of sleep), began with my alarm alarming to get up already and do the much coveted activity of slapping him awake. what the fuck was that anyway, me=a mistress? dismissing me? all those girls? even worse, crashing into my room after all that? i really did not know what to make out of it and with my alcohol-soaked brain, i could only think so much (or less), and with my alcohol-soaked heart, could only feel TOO much. besides i gave j sr. my word, up by 5.

yet when i got up and got down to him, i just couldn't do it. it's a toss between the light from my window on his face and the energy i don't have. the best i could was to mumble a few words, shake him (or at least an attempt to do so) and rearrange the blanket i covered him with and go back to my OWN bed toying with the idea that he'll just have to miss work and be with meeeeeeee...zzzzz.

"ok...". sleep-talking in between snores. cute.

soft music for alarm. this has given me the excuse to grope him in search for that phone, i ended up with a heineken coaster. some more searching and alas, the phone. it was rather tempting for a while, messages? pictures? but i was too tired and knew it was wrong. placed it right next to his ear. back to bed. he rolled over.

finally, a knock on my door, it's senior. "i tried waking him but i couldn't.. so just talk to him", back to bed. his name. his name. some afrikaans. i turned around, still in bed. senior left. he finally got up. silent eye-lock. "why do you look like you're angry at me". silence. he stands by the doorstep. "well come over here then" (although i wasn't sure either, my breath was still that of last night's alcohol and english fluid). silence. "i have to go.". gone.

the 7th time the day started for me was pretty official. some bit of a morning gossip with my neighbor, til senior showed up and we all had a bit of a chat. i explained the things that happened and did not and all else. when they left i laid where he slept. and that's when my heart started stopping.

...and going, eventually. stop 'n go. stop... 'n gogogogo. stop for a bit, long enough for the sensation of an iron (as in clothes) to pass and so on, and then do an orchestra of soft-bonggos (they were soft beats, but really fast). deep-breathing could only reach half of what it usually could. and this was my day right here, with some numbness, lots of napping, a couple of marriage proposals and one interesting/DUHHHHH realization. also without the night drive, because of them palpitations.

how the day ended though, was something else. it ended with another beginning.


i need to talk to someone
Sunday, December 2, 2007 || 08:55 p.m.

my friends are sick of talking to me and frankly, it just puts me off talking to them as well. besides we're friends--we're all the same self-centered girls who share the same temperament so it's not really gonna work. AaAaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i'm going crazy


we move along ;)
Wednesday, November 28, 2007 || 07:06 a.m.

i saw john tucker last night. loved it the first time, LOVE IT EVEN MORE NOW. i admit, not the best story but jesse metcafe and sophia bush made it easy to the eyes. that sexy MEATcafe in particular, knows how to throw a party in anyone's pants. shiiiiite.

at some point i found myself LITERALLY throwing pillows at the telly, even playing pillow fight with it when i got up to get some juice. WHY do you ask? WHY WHY WHY?

because how can john tucker not remind me of some three-lettered-name! i have testimonies to that actually, one coming from the brother himself and another from jo who heard it from the photoshop guy who went to school with him. then there was sonya who went up to him calling him a manwhore. OF COURSE. rugby, athletics, random sports, a face like that, a body like that (and the moves, he can dance for a white guy) and the charms to work it (or actually, he didn't have to), the voice (that's low and accented and sings and speaks portuguese!)... what's not to love?

in contrast to what you might be thinking, the movie did not make me want to kill myself. rather, IT REMINDED ME OF WHAT I NEEDED TO BE REMINDED OF--the reasons that justify why i acted the way i did, and not say what i did not say.

because, i knew enough. in fact i knew these all along:
1) i had to control my feelings because i can get prrrrretty intense
2) i didn't want to overwhelm him with what i felt/could feel for him
3) there's just no point...then

easy, breezy, beautiful. but more importantly, it shook me out of the aphoridisia of distance and nostalgia. initially it was just a fear... fear that i will never have that again. nights were lonely without him. et cetera. but eventually i found myself prettyOK with enough good friends around.

and when the fear was out, all the sentimentality of having to story-tell brought up new ideas, which are all useless at this point anyway. now this sparked my greatest weakness--REGRET. i regretted suppressing my feelings, i should have just really dove in, made the most out of it, et cetera. but really, could i do that then? it's the classic tale of "i've been hurt, trying to protect myself" self-defense, which is quite hard to balance with seizing what it life offered me then.

maybe i was a little too cold (instead of just cooling it), and maybe he was a bit more vulnerable, but he wasn't completely innocent either. john tucker reminded me why. it's quite paradoxical in a cheesy way, but yes whatever qualities he had (etc) increased threat (in that it increased my vulnerability to the situation) calling for me to increase my defense mechanism. and no it's not just his charms (!) that i'm pointing my finger at, but also the fact that..(!). and even if it was the converse situation, i'm still TALO because i felt for him. the fact that i exert extra effort to suppress my feelings say that there's something (maybe even a big one) there. it just wasn't the right time for him to know that yet.

besides, what would have had happened? we fall madly in love with each other and i leave? leaving it at that (as in, where it was, not the falling madly in love) was already earth-shattering for me, could you just imagine what a little more kissing, snuggling, talking would have caused me? sounds selfish, but only because i have 0 idea of how he feels (well i do, but that's only from the cards).

this is not to belittle what we had. it was great, possibly the best i've ever had. so i'll just leave it at that, appreciate it for what it's worth (quite big!) and not taint it with useless negative thoughts and emotions that get in the way of my life and burden me. i miss him, and care about him quite a lot, and i could probably really love him in another time (world cup 2010? hahha). there's a reason why i chose to end it the way i did anyway leave it the way we did anyway. i'm quite used to the "one who got away" situation anyway. and yeah that can be the case for us...for now. we'll see what happens. watch this space ;)


i really hate my life right now
Thursday, November 22, 2007 || 09:30 p.m.

i knew i should've been hit by a vehicle that day tiki left me to skip across the road for the main lodge. at least i'd die happy.


MAY IT BE NOTED
Thursday, November 22, 2007 || 09:12 p.m.

that should something happen tonight--i don't know, maybe if i die--that it is perfection, in so many ways. it was a generally happy life, my friends were great on good days, my father loved me consistently and i've been blissful on those moments when i experienced what might be the closest thing to love this 18 yr old self of mine will ever know.

however, howfuckingever, just like how the force of the earth goes, the antithesis to all those wonderful things just HAD to emerge. at the same time, preferably. and that preferred time is now. fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU.

then again this might just be another anti-climactic evening that builds it all up only for nothing--same old new day tomorrow, same old fucking place, same old female parental bitch, etc.

see and it is my #1 man's birthday today, and thanksgiving too, and i hate that these things just have to ruin it for me. fuckers fuckers fuckeroos. imagine the drama though, if ever?

where are those return-home tickets when you need them guh


MAY IT BE NOTED
Thursday, November 22, 2007 || 09:12 p.m.

that should something happen tonight--i don't know, maybe if i die--that it is perfection, in so many ways. it was a generally happy life, my friends were great on good days, my father loved me consistently and i've been blissful on those moments when i experienced what might be the closest thing to love this 18 yr old self of mine will ever know.

however, howfuckingever, just like how the force of the earth goes, the antithesis to all those wonderful things just HAD to emerge. at the same time, preferably. and that preferred time is now. fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU.

then again this might just be another anti-climactic evening that builds it all up only for nothing--same old new day tomorrow, same old fucking place, same old female parental bitch, etc.

see and it is my #1 man's birthday today, and thanksgiving too, and i hate that these things just have to ruin it for me. fuckers fuckers fuckeroos. imagine the drama though, if ever?

where are those return-home tickets when you need them guh


PST
Monday, November 19, 2007 || 12:23 a.m.

He Could Be More Than a Hookup
But you're not really sure what you want him to be.
Sometimes you have fairly serious feelings for him.
If you think there could be more, than go for it.
(Just make sure he wants something more too!)

Is He Just a Hookup?


5 senses
Sunday, November 18, 2007 || 01:32 a.m.

you wear this look; when you're listening to me intently, and not just your ears, but your eyes (too) absorb the words that come out of my mouth.

you make this sound; it's your light snore, that's just a level up from deep breathing. it implies how most of your day is taken up by some other things...and yet how you chose to end it, is still with me. it implies how most your energy is taken up by some other things...and yet who you chose to expend whatever energy you have left...is on me.

you do this touch; my right hand held my left hand the same way your right hand held it, just to see how it felt for you. it's the touch that took in my quivering fingers & the unforeseen (tough!) squeezes, and held me stable.

you have this taste; of a thirst finally quenched, of a simple "yay." note in my head, of a smile that thinks of nothing else but how this could be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

you smell of this scent; this warm and refreshing scent that mutually welcomes us to surrender to each other.


oh well, no sa/ph mixed baby for me...
Saturday, November 17, 2007 || 05:46 p.m.

for now :P

it didn't even give me the benefit of a thrill, as in, a 10-day delay maybe like the (technical) first time. didn't even get to use kimmie's going away gift for me (which i intended to use in school, just to freak them out hehehe).

in any case, i pride myself in being smart even when half of my brain is swimming on amarula and jack daniel. besides, what would have i done right. it's too pathetic to think that i needed that--perhaps the most serious matter we've agreed on--as an excuse to break the distance of nearly eleven thousand kilometers. sometimes "heartbreak" can really delve you into thinking abt stupid things. oh vvell. and yea, really, what would have i done?! WHAT WHAT WHAT it would break my heart to lose what would probably have been the most beautiful person in my life mhm!

hahahaha so much for the "signs" oooh


wow
Tuesday, November 13, 2007 || 12:44 a.m.

i'm pretty amazed at the rate by which one can get over someone. all those years(?), months, days, hours, minutes, all to end in a snap realization. that's not to say that all of the healing process took place right then and there, but sometimes one can't help but think, WOW.

WOW.

this is scary for me, certainly not because of the instances when this actually occured to me, but rather, how this might have been the case for the other party with me. it's like, here i was thinking that perhaps all those sentiments would be somewhat mutual, and then this happens to me and it's like.. shit, do i just leave him there now or has he left me a long time ago?

wowowoww.


after my
Sunday, November 11, 2007 || 10:31 p.m.

last night was alright. being sober in an environment where fun translates to debauchery doesn't really mix well. unless, there is that magic matter that say for example, makes even the blandest meals FANTASTIC. unfortunately for me that wasn't the case and given that it is presence=pure bliss, ~presence=~pure bliss=absence=sadness :( i missed him. i missed him so so. even though there were no strobe lights and the music was just so so, i'd still rather that i could feel my back on his chest or my hands on his shoulders or being thrown away because he will catch the small of my back anyway. between strobe lights i imagined his face and what blast it would have been. i know this is too much already but i can't help it.

but yes, so that evening led to me crashing into my bed at 4, not to get up until 6...PM. i literally did not see the light of day today. i don't mind, not like i missed out on anything.

sigh sigh. 2 weeks ago at around this time (as in the setting, not technically 2 weeks ago as in 24x14), was among the best nights i've had. good vibes, good company, good music, good food, good fun, to be sealed by a good surprise--nay, the best surprise. i loved it.

i can't help but think of what it's like to stare into his eyes. it's so precious i'm afraid that the memory of it will just fade. also his voice--his low, accented voice accompanied by his deep breaths.

anyways i shall end this in a song!

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.


it goes on.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007 || 12:30 a.m.

i miss his unforeseen pokes in my waist, running down the tip of his finger at the back of my feet, i miss miss miss miss miss him. i miss the little goatie he is yet to shave, the piercing i am yet to feel, his hugs. i was not a big fan of hugs until his came along. he made me realize how nice those things are. i miss That look--the squint in his eye, the smile in his lips--that border "watch out/you know/here comes". i miss how his hair feels between my fingers.


I WILL GUSH.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007 || 11:55 p.m.

i will gush in hopes of finally letting it all out, somewhere solid, then my fear of losing those memories will be sealed. then i can get back to that "naughstee" image i had on wednesday am.

i have never felt that way before, ever. maybe it's not the most substantial affair i have ever been on. i don't know what his thoughts or views are on certain things. but i know that i can be myself around him. whereas even the "best" of my friends cannot handle my sometimes downright mean sarcasm, he can. it's funny how in the beginning, i couldn't talk while looking him to the eye because my voice just breaks. and yet i've gone from that supressed dork to the DORKUS MAXIMUS i am, sticking out my tongue, bumping my head on the wall, failing miserably to turn him over and giving out Timon's and tiny fishy kisses who laughs and grins and makes faces while making babies and love. i can go from the two sides of the spectrum--dork and hot sexpot--without insecurities. i love that. i've never been in such ease with anyone, ever. all those "substantial" affairs of the past now look too rigid and in a way, not genuine, because of all the suppression and all the rules and whatfuckingshit like that.

i miss surrendering to him. i miss twisting the light switch around my fingers, pulling it down while i entrusting myself to his beautiful arms and broad back and eventually melting in his mouth. i miss eskimo kisses and just breathing in all of him. i miss having his biceps for my pillow, feeling all safe and secure with his arm firmly around me. i miss the sight of my POT BELLY and the gentle slope of his stomach (that denies his love of Jack Daniels). the sight of matching black underthings, the sound of our synchronized rythmic breathing, his smooth skin, his taste, his scent, his accent, his whispers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Sbdjejdajsdasdj


oh that time of the year again
Tuesday, July 31, 2007 || 10:52 p.m.

i don't know what is up around this time of the year. all i know is i'm back to 15. i used to think it's "15 year old BOY" but actually, 15 year old ME was just enough to justify this. i'll always be 15 on july's. omg. omg. landi vibes.

I NEEDED TO DANCE TO THIS SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Intro] Lalala lalala la la lala la Ohhh
You know... I never felt like this before
Lalala lalala la la lala la Ohhh
Feels like.. so real

[Verse 1]
I'm obsessive when just one thought of you comes up
I'm aggressive just one thought of closing up
You got me stressing, incessantly pressing the issue
'Cause every moment gone you know I miss you
I'm the question and you're of course the answer
Just hold me close boy 'cause I'm your tiny dancer
You make me shaken up, never mistaken
But I can't control myself, got me calling out for help

[Chorus:]
S.O.S. please someone help me.
It's not healthy... for me to feel this way
Y.O.U. are making this hard,
I can't take it, see it don't feel right

S.O.S. please someone help me
It's not healthy... for me to feel this way
Y.O.U. are making this hard
You got me tossin' and turnin' and can't sleep at night

[Bridge:]
This time please someone come and rescue me
'Cause you on my mind it's got me losing it
I'm lost, you got me lookin' for the rest of me
Love is testing me but still I'm losing it
This time please someone come and rescue me
'Cause you on my mind, it's got me losing it
I'm lost, you got me looking for the rest of me,
Got the best of me, so now I'm losing it

[Verse 2]
Just your presence and I second guess my sanity
Yes it's a lesson, it's unfair, you stole my vanity
My tummy's up in knots so when I see you I get so hot
My common sense is out the door, can't seem to find the lock
Take on me (uh huh) you know inside you feel it right
Take me on, I could just die up in your arms tonight.
I'm out with you, you got me head over heels
Boy you keep me hanging on the way you make me feel

[Chorus]

[Bridge]

Boy, you know you got me feeling open
And boy, your loves enough with words unspoken
I said boy I'm telling you, you got me open
I don't know what to do it's true
I'm going crazy over you,

I'm begging

[Chorus]

[Bridge]

[Outro]
Lala lala lala lala Ohhh
Ohh ohh lala lala lala lala
Oh oh

PUNYETA, SMN!!! SMN!!! SMN!!! SMN!!! SMN!!! SMN!!!
iralmighty: my hormones are throwing a party but i have to supress my already repressed hormones


honestly
Friday, July 20, 2007 || 10:12 p.m.

gone are the days when friendship was JnJ-commercialesque and it was just a matter of having each other's back, shopping with, eating with, let you copy hw, etc

now it's politics, risky business, etc. i suppose another one of the ways university prepares us for our fields. hahahuh?!


overwhelming, today
Thursday, July 19, 2007 || 10:46 p.m.

- my day in school began and ended with the same person, ha!
- H O L G A!
- got fucking yelled at
- first definition of Hot (!)
- ALISHA :)
- and, wiiiii!1!!!

all that and the fact that i am insanely beat. pe, all that walking and sweating and alladksfnjdmssssssssssssss

i really hope this isn't googlable but punyeta, someone's turned from being the dream boy who i'd die to have given me my first kiss to the type of guy i've only been getting from! HMMMMN


oh as for issue #2
Monday, July 16, 2007 || 09:02 p.m.

it's sad. i think it aggravated things by quite a tad. but! i can fake-justify this by saying that i have been a bear lately, never getting enough sleep. after all the rainy season is the closest this tropical place has to winter.

and even then, i not the wronged one here. whateva. i can't really be bothered. i have other things on my head, yay.


sugar we're going down swingin'
Monday, July 16, 2007 || 08:38 p.m.

...even if last week wasn't The Top. like i said, it was a steady flow of things. no shoot ups, just a controlled rate of um, getting things together?

of course this isn't the case anymore. maybe it's that thing about that biatch or my biatches or just plain caffeine. whatever it was, it slowly, piece by piece, came crashing down. oh the earth truly has a funny way of orchestrating things. not hahahahaha, just hahahow-strange.

i'm surprisingly Zen about it which i likey like. i suppose i really can't claim last week's credit unless i actually get to apply last week's lesson that: yes, i am a person capable of keeping things under control *self-pat*. so, you know, let it be. i'm supposedly gonna need this for the rest of my life or something, but most especially this september. it's so flavored with B U S Y i could already smell its aroma.

--which, i actually don't mind. i finally saw the light that we are placed in earth and spared from miscarriage/abortion for reasons other than bumming around/doing nothing/wasting time, which is pretty unhealthy based from experience (hello, thinking too much, "suppressed" memories and overanalysis that led to paranoia which led to The Shrink).

so, it's cool, it's cool.

i also can't help but see the bright side of issue #1. a few weeks back i already got my warning re: talking abt people (particularly CRUSHES hahahahahhaaha kolehiyala is me) out loud. see, the whole small school thing works in that i see the same people a lot (esp those i wanna see). then again there's the whole i see the people i wanna see and i talk about them too a lot. so yeah.

see some time ago i had a Scrubs, unleash the brick, ice cold water, and you're like...fuck moment in the photocopy centre. it was the most palo i could get for being noisy in the library and just being noisy period. but see, he is such a cool boyfriend (to a nice girl) and a cool boy space friend to me that as i was melting and cold and everything, he chats me up. oh the heavens decided to be nice.

following today's incident though, i'm thinking not. after all, baa baa baad boys are baa baa baad for the heart. see the good thing about this though is how now, i'll pretty much hide myself in the library a bit more--not in the couches area which is comfy and filled with memories and is totally good for light reading and not studying, therefore i'll be in the study area, uncomfy and void of memories and good for studying. ta-da!

to boot, i should also be kept off the caf which should be good for my body and pocket.

so you know, it should be cool i guess. que sera sera.

it's just really funny how during lunchtime, i was screaming NO NO PLEASE DON'T JINX IT DON'T JINX IT!!!1 and an hour later kaboom. jinxed. haha. discretion really is the key of the new generation. it was doing so fine when i was discreet about it. oh wells.

whateva~


my body clock is messed up
Sunday, July 15, 2007 || 09:53 p.m.

and this isn't even about jetlag whatnot. narcolepsy has made a pretty good job of kicking its butt--i just feel sleepy all the time regardless of time and place. it's something else.

actually scratch above and make that my body CALENDAR.

i've been told once, twice, or maybe a few more, that i never live for the moment and i just keep looking forward. todo recto. ok maybe i have a few more carpe diem moments than most people, but that's pretty much for the good times. otherwise i'm always ready to pack up and escape. the sad thing about this is how "good times/bad times" pretty much depends on my emotions therefore it is not void of paranoia among other turmoils. then again i grew up thinking that the world is my cake and there's no point in wasting my time on something silly/stupid/annoying/etc when i could be having cake. wow that almost doesn't make sense.

TBcontinued


CLEAN SLATE.
Saturday, July 14, 2007 || 12:18 a.m.

the page prior to this covered some good 3 years of my life, or at least, some good bits of the latter 2. haha wow.

but i figured the time is now. like the first entry i ever made in all of this site, i'm also a sophomore right now. sophomore college. looking back on all my other entries must be insane, yes. true true. but heyho.

ok i'm obviously not used to blogging anymore. i can't even write speeches anymore. then again it's not like i'm blogging for an audience. this blog is almost defunct.

i would just like to say though, that my life has been pretty stable. a bit more stable than what i've been used to. my grades are well (i managed to make it a point that all my teachers know me for the right reasons and haha i actually pay attention in class--don't know how i do that though), i have friends i am extremely happy with, i have a select few who keep my life interesting from time to time (;p). then there is the manifestation of my legalization coming up soon. the amazing thing too is how i'm actually in synch with my allowance--which says A LOT since it's already half of the month and i haven't used up half of it yet.

i like the things i like and everything else, amazingly enough, i manage to not let them bother me. it's a whole new kind of zen.

i'll write this better next time. ciao.